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| It's hard to think of things I'm overwhelmingly thankful for. SO to continue, I will say my journal/journal entries.
Although some of them are depressing, there are a lot of encouraging prayers I've been lacking in my life. I went to bed after reading my thoughts from August till late October when I stopped writing in my journal. I wonder what happened. Probably got "too busy" hahaha what bologna! More like "too lazy" I'd say.
I think I'm realizing how important it is to journal and get thoughts down and expand and immortalize them (or at least prolong the longevity) by making them, in the most peculiar of ways, tangible to me. They are like deep gasps of breaths I struggled so arduously to inhale and I so desperate need now. Both the actual breath and oxygen and the desperation I once had that propelled me to reach.
I especially love the ones I forget and stumble upon after a few hectic weeks or months and WHABAM! It's like reading someone else's life and then realizing all of the waves of emotions coming back to hit the shores of reality.
It makes me want to record my life forever and extract all the thoughts in my head and shelve them for later, more trying times.
I've been tired recently. This is not part of my thankfulness. Maybe it should be.
I've been so tired. Tired of waking up in the middle of the night because of the early birds and the late arrivals; tired of not being able to sleep in due to the uncomfortable floor; tired of having lapses of thought and memory and finding myself in a pool of shame I've been struggling to get out of; but now that I actually see it, I feel stupid. I shouldn't be tired. Rather, I should be thankful. HMMM maybe God's humbling me hahahaha what fun. | | |
| Yes, a little premature, but I'd like to honor that very blessed day that marked the end of a civilization (or nearly the end) and the rise of America. Hahaha so sad But seriously, I wanted to start off by writing an entry about what I'm actually thankful for and when I do have access to a computer, I'll write another till thanksgiving. Maybe I'll be so full of thanks that it'll overflow into the first few days of December? Who knows? I don't. It might not even make it to Thanksgiving! hahaha when's thanksgiving ... ? I was thinking about this in the car, and realized I'm very thankful for music and poetry. I sometimes do prefer poetry over music on certain days. The power of words resonate so deeply into my ... head. hahaha this feeble brain of mine that's a little shy and hides my heart pretty well. Seriously, I sometimes just sit and sip on some verses that completely leave me yearning so desperately for more, but yet I am so satisfied and content it soothes the aches of the day. I don't even have too many aches either so it's like, pretty good. hahaha. I'm hoping to become a better poet. That the only beauty that'll truly inspire me will be God and my words will be like little streams of delight trickling down the sides of my mouth, ending, miraculously, into the tips of the pen I lazily hold in my hand in my enjoyment of ecstacy (not the drug). I seriously do hope one day I'll be able to write poems worth reciting, then maybe recite poems worth memorizing. Ahhh, I don't know. I want to buy this book of poems I picked up and read for an hour at B&N. I forgot what it was titled but it was about God and DANG people are so in love with him it makes me jealous. OH yea, thankfulness hahaha. I'm thankful for the state of relaxation and belonging I get when I indulge in the essence of another's soul, written or composed. Harboring grief, I am so relieved from pains and pangs of guilt and incompletion, and I find myself whole. Even if it is but the tinest of seconds, I feel like in that second, God touched my heart. OH i just remembered a poem ... kind of. it went something like "If you were
to cry in Heaven
everyone would laugh!
For they would know
you were
just kidding"
hahaha and another one wassssss
God and I are like two very,
fat people on a tiny boat.
We're always bumping
into each other and
l
a
u
g
h
i
n
g
yea the 2nd one i dont know how to structure or the right words but it's still very fun. | | |
| Just a list:
Everclear
Ben Harper
Drowning Pool
Good Poems for Hard Times
That's what I've managed to pick as I pleased in my brief time in Barnes & Noble. Funny that only one is a book hahaha. I spent time reading "6 (or 8 I forgot what the number was) billion people" which was very interesting. Basically it was life stories and thoughts around our world. A lot of words of wisdom, some of evident scars, and other things I couldn't help but smile at. I wouldn't buy the book though. I'd just read it every time I went to a book store :D
AND as the evening is already gone and it's getting freaking late and my eyes are trying to kill themselves tonight so they wont have to wake in the morning, I'm going to post something.
I've been absolutely blessed in every day of my life
I got a million why's to smile but not one to be crying
I'm about to list them all so let me start if off right
please take out a pen or pencil and read your list after mine
One, for the Lord, and for his infinite ways
every day's a celebration of undeniable grace
Let's raise and erase these embarrassing mistakes that we've made
and enjoy this momentary pause of pain and give grace.
Thank you for love, the blessed hope from above,
even though I turn away you capture me when I come
again and again, driving circles, a cycle of sin
but you forgive and get me through the battles I can't seem to win
And as I breathe in, as I struggle with emotions and temptations again,
You never leave me in the filth that I've been crawling all in
sprawled in it, vomit it, never thought but always taught to skip
and hop and run along away from lonely siren's songs.
I've been given everything I need and got even more
valuable lesson and obtained even more costly people
So I just wanted to say, a simple song of great thanks
and to hope I'll never change my views of these God given days
Thank you for my family so rambunctiously loud
Together we'll tear walls down with the sounds of our human mouths
we laugh until we hurt and cry until we seem to think of sparks
of joy that we all know we love to hear each other's beating hearts
It's soften with love but stronger than diamonds or platinum
you can try to rip it up but in the process I'll break your thumbs
and every single bone in your body because honestly
if you're messing with us, I'll attack you with a fierce ferocity,
it's not about me but the love I've been given benevolently,
heaven sent, the most perfect arrangement of souls and beings,
so I'll repeat, my family means the most to me, closest relationships
I'll never squander or spend wild or aimlessly
wait for me, pray with me, dry my tears as I've been suffering
as Im enjoying this very moment of each person's presense
I've been given everything I need and got even more
valuable lesson and obtained even more costly people
So I just wanted to say, a simple song of great thanks
and to hope I'll never change my views of these God given days
Thank you for my friends who help me get through any set of any predicaments
that I've been persistantly having trouble with
Thank for the blessings of a heart that misses others
when I'm alone too long I start to think and start to wonder
Thank you for the gift of words that I'm allowed to use,
as a form of expression and a way to help me through
this life, trials, moments of weakness, I need this
releasing poisonous thoughts I've been reapin,
keeping, clutched, beseech this, if I couldn't use words
I'd be dead before the next week ends
and thank you for the struggles I've been barely making through
the refining process lets me know that I matter much to You
Thank you for the humor that can't be imitated
It's never abated never strangled or, in attempt, annihilated,
My laughter is an endless way to give praise and give thanks,
to let You know I'm happier this way and everyday
I'm better than before, I'll never let it go, I'm thankful every single second that I've never been before
I've been given everything I need and got even more
valuable lesson and obtained even more costly people
So I just wanted to say, a simple song of great thanks
and to hope I'll never change my views of these God given days
I've been given everything I need and keep getting more
I'm up to my neck, swimming in a greater love and high hopes
So I just wanted to say, I'll praise You, God, every day
Even if you decide to take everything in my life away
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| Haha I find myself wanting to share ideas rather than what I'm actually decent at--talking about my life.
Journaling is so fun. I can remember and recall whatever it is that's so finely impressed into my mind and heart with vivid clarity and an explosive enthusiasm that satisfies me. And I think that might be enough, right?
Today was a chill day. Chill because I did not do anything academically-related productive, but I got to chill with Jay Hwang and Mitchell Pearl. Jay more than Mitch but what would constitute an appropriate measure of weight for one minute to be heftier than another in company amongst genuine friends? Hahaha.
And as I've mentioned before, in the presence of others, I'm more prone to being a clown than a respective voice resounding wisdom and knowledge. But with Jay and Mitch, it's not about making them laugh for me to feel welcome or appreciated. It's about making them laugh because I LOVE it when Jay and Mitch laugh. It's like bouncing off love in an enclosed vicinity like the vibrations of molecules in a solid object.
It's getting late but I dearly want to finish this before I go to bed.
God has been good. This week I'm especially thankful for since it is the freshest in my memory, but he was just as good last week and any other week prior. I'm working on trying to be as thankful as I should, but I think it'll take time and God.
Baseball is spectacularly fun. I AM VERY SAD we will not get to play this weekend due to Hallelujah Night prep, but it is all very good. Jason hurt his thumb so he needs recovery time. I cannot play without Jason Im. I just can't.
The thing I'm probably best at is missing balls I should catch. There are so many moments where the ball nicks the glove and it rolls a few hundred or so feet depending on how hard Jason throws it. The grass is never a factor. It is always Jason. hahahahaha
I'm more worried about my sister. I just am. I've been praying to God but I'm still scared. I know I'm not supposed to worry, but it happens. I'll try not to. I know God is faithful and He loves her just as much as He loves me. Why would He save me and not save her? Why would I be so fortunate as to be alive in Christ while my sister isn't so livid? But if it's God's will, so be it. I have God and that's all that matters. But I'd love for God to have my sister. Hahaha it's okay. God's my joy and my joy is complete. | | |
| Anyone else ever think that was funny? I always interpreted it as "blessed are those who don't have God and the Holy Spirit in their lives" hahaha total fail.
Blessed are the dispirited, the disheartened, the discouraged, the lost and those who feel so neglected, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. That would've been more clear hahaha.
And blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven? Really? Just because they're feeling a wee bit depressed, they get to somehow automatically obtain the riches of eternal life?
Blessed are the ones who are broken and vulnerable, who are mended back together by God's love, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are those who become weakened by the weariness of their human nature, the beast that devours them whole, for they have become less and are now closer to wholly acknowledging that life is too arduous a battle to win on their own.
Blessed are those who know have had their hearts ripped in half by other humans, emotions, and burdens, for they have witnessed the limitations of their momentary happiness, sporadic calm, and unreliable strength. Blessed are the depressed, for they have been enlightened to the very truth that declares what they have is not enough to fill the void in their hearts and imperfect love.
"Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven."
"Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven."
I never noticed that before.
Hmmm ... but I still want the kingdom of heaven. | | |
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