KangMeezy's Xanga

LOL It's been a while

Tue, 10 Nov 2009 19:42:27 GMT

It's hard to think of things I'm overwhelmingly thankful for. SO to continue, I will say my journal/journal entries.

Although some of them are depressing, there are a lot of encouraging prayers I've been lacking in my life. I went to bed after reading my thoughts from August till late October when I stopped writing in my journal. I wonder what happened. Probably got "too busy" hahaha what bologna! More like "too lazy" I'd say.

I think I'm realizing how important it is to journal and get thoughts down and expand and immortalize them (or at least prolong the longevity) by making them, in the most peculiar of ways, tangible to me. They are like deep gasps of breaths I struggled so arduously to inhale and I so desperate need now. Both the actual breath and oxygen and the desperation I once had that propelled me to reach.

I especially love the ones I forget and stumble upon after a few hectic weeks or months and WHABAM! It's like reading someone else's life and then realizing all of the waves of emotions coming back to hit the shores of reality.
It makes me want to record my life forever and extract all the thoughts in my head and shelve them for later, more trying times.

I've been tired recently. This is not part of my thankfulness. Maybe it should be.
I've been so tired. Tired of waking up in the middle of the night because of the early birds and the late arrivals; tired of not being able to sleep in due to the uncomfortable floor; tired of having lapses of thought and memory and finding myself in a pool of shame I've been struggling to get out of; but now that I actually see it, I feel stupid. I shouldn't be tired. Rather, I should be thankful. HMMM maybe God's humbling me hahahaha what fun.

Thanksgiving!

Thu, 05 Nov 2009 01:03:03 GMT

Yes, a little premature, but I'd like to honor that very blessed day that marked the end of a civilization (or nearly the end) and the rise of America. Hahaha so sad

But seriously, I wanted to start off by writing an entry about what I'm actually thankful for and when I do have access to a computer, I'll write another till thanksgiving. Maybe I'll be so full of thanks that it'll overflow into the first few days of December? Who knows? I don't. It might not even make it to Thanksgiving! hahaha when's thanksgiving ... ?

I was thinking about this in the car, and realized I'm very thankful for music and poetry. I sometimes do prefer poetry over music on certain days. The power of words resonate so deeply into my ... head. hahaha this feeble brain of mine that's a little shy and hides my heart pretty well. Seriously, I sometimes just sit and sip on some verses that completely leave me yearning so desperately for more, but yet I am so satisfied and content it soothes the aches of the day. I don't even have too many aches either so it's like, pretty good. hahaha.

I'm hoping to become a better poet. That the only beauty that'll truly inspire me will be God and my words will be like little streams of delight trickling down the sides of my mouth, ending, miraculously, into the tips of the pen I lazily hold in my hand in my enjoyment of ecstacy (not the drug). I seriously do hope one day I'll be able to write poems worth reciting, then maybe recite poems worth memorizing. Ahhh, I don't know. I want to buy this book of poems I picked up and read for an hour at B&N. I forgot what it was titled but it was about God and DANG people are so in love with him it makes me jealous. OH yea, thankfulness hahaha.

I'm thankful for the state of relaxation and belonging I get when I indulge in the essence of another's soul, written or composed. Harboring grief, I am so relieved from pains and pangs of guilt and incompletion, and I find myself whole. Even if it is but the tinest of seconds, I feel like in that second, God touched my heart.

OH i just remembered a poem ... kind of. it went something like

"If you were
to cry in Heaven
everyone would laugh!
For they would know
you were
just kidding"

hahaha and another one wassssss

God and I are like two very,
fat people on a tiny boat.
We're always bumping
into each other and
l
a
u
g
h
i
n
g

yea the 2nd one i dont know how to structure or the right words but it's still very fun.

Awesome Day

Wed, 28 Oct 2009 04:12:06 GMT

Just a list:

Everclear
Ben Harper
Drowning Pool
Good Poems for Hard Times

That's what I've managed to pick as I pleased in my brief time in Barnes & Noble. Funny that only one is a book hahaha. I spent time reading "6 (or 8 I forgot what the number was) billion people" which was very interesting. Basically it was life stories and thoughts around our world. A lot of words of wisdom, some of evident scars, and other things I couldn't help but smile at. I wouldn't buy the book though. I'd just read it every time I went to a book store :D

AND as the evening is already gone and it's getting freaking late and my eyes are trying to kill themselves tonight so they wont have to wake in the morning, I'm going to post something.

I've been absolutely blessed in every day of my life
I got a million why's to smile but not one to be crying
I'm about to list them all so let me start if off right
please take out a pen or pencil and read your list after mine

One, for the Lord, and for his infinite ways
every day's a celebration of undeniable grace
Let's raise and erase these embarrassing mistakes that we've made
and enjoy this momentary pause of pain and give grace.

Thank you for love, the blessed hope from above,
even though I turn away you capture me when I come
again and again, driving circles, a cycle of sin
but you forgive and get me through the battles I can't seem to win

And as I breathe in, as I struggle with emotions and temptations again,
You never leave me in the filth that I've been crawling all in
sprawled in it, vomit it, never thought but always taught to skip
and hop and run along away from lonely siren's songs.

I've been given everything I need and got even more
valuable lesson and obtained even more costly people
So I just wanted to say, a simple song of great thanks
and to hope I'll never change my views of these God given days

Thank you for my family so rambunctiously loud
Together we'll tear walls down with the sounds of our human mouths
we laugh until we hurt and cry until we seem to think of sparks
of joy that we all know we love to hear each other's beating hearts

It's soften with love but stronger than diamonds or platinum
you can try to rip it up but in the process I'll break your thumbs
and every single bone in your body because honestly
if you're messing with us, I'll attack you with a fierce ferocity,

it's not about me but the love I've been given benevolently,
heaven sent, the most perfect arrangement of souls and beings,
so I'll repeat, my family means the most to me, closest relationships
I'll never squander or spend wild or aimlessly
wait for me, pray with me, dry my tears as I've been suffering
as Im enjoying this very moment of each person's presense

I've been given everything I need and got even more
valuable lesson and obtained even more costly people
So I just wanted to say, a simple song of great thanks
and to hope I'll never change my views of these God given days

Thank you for my friends who help me get through any set of any predicaments
that I've been persistantly having trouble with
Thank for the blessings of a heart that misses others
when I'm alone too long I start to think and start to wonder

Thank you for the gift of words that I'm allowed to use,
as a form of expression and a way to help me through
this life, trials, moments of weakness, I need this
releasing poisonous thoughts I've been reapin,
keeping, clutched, beseech this, if I couldn't use words
I'd be dead before the next week ends

and thank you for the struggles I've been barely making through
the refining process lets me know that I matter much to You
Thank you for the humor that can't be imitated
It's never abated never strangled or, in attempt, annihilated,
My laughter is an endless way to give praise and give thanks,
to let You know I'm happier this way and everyday
I'm better than before, I'll never let it go, I'm thankful every single second that I've never been before

I've been given everything I need and got even more
valuable lesson and obtained even more costly people
So I just wanted to say, a simple song of great thanks
and to hope I'll never change my views of these God given days

I've been given everything I need and keep getting more
I'm up to my neck, swimming in a greater love and high hopes
So I just wanted to say, I'll praise You, God, every day
Even if you decide to take everything in my life away

AN Actual, Factual Blogggg

Tue, 27 Oct 2009 05:11:16 GMT

Haha I find myself wanting to share ideas rather than what I'm actually decent at--talking about my life.
Journaling is so fun. I can remember and recall whatever it is that's so finely impressed into my mind and heart with vivid clarity and an explosive enthusiasm that satisfies me. And I think that might be enough, right?

Today was a chill day. Chill because I did not do anything academically-related productive, but I got to chill with Jay Hwang and Mitchell Pearl. Jay more than Mitch but what would constitute an appropriate measure of weight for one minute to be heftier than another in company amongst genuine friends? Hahaha.
And as I've mentioned before, in the presence of others, I'm more prone to being a clown than a respective voice resounding wisdom and knowledge. But with Jay and Mitch, it's not about making them laugh for me to feel welcome or appreciated. It's about making them laugh because I LOVE it when Jay and Mitch laugh. It's like bouncing off love in an enclosed vicinity like the vibrations of molecules in a solid object.

It's getting late but I dearly want to finish this before I go to bed.

God has been good. This week I'm especially thankful for since it is the freshest in my memory, but he was just as good last week and any other week prior. I'm working on trying to be as thankful as I should, but I think it'll take time and God.

Baseball is spectacularly fun. I AM VERY SAD we will not get to play this weekend due to Hallelujah Night prep, but it is all very good. Jason hurt his thumb so he needs recovery time. I cannot play without Jason Im. I just can't.
The thing I'm probably best at is missing balls I should catch. There are so many moments where the ball nicks the glove and it rolls a few hundred or so feet depending on how hard Jason throws it. The grass is never a factor. It is always Jason. hahahahaha

I'm more worried about my sister. I just am. I've been praying to God but I'm still scared. I know I'm not supposed to worry, but it happens. I'll try not to. I know God is faithful and He loves her just as much as He loves me. Why would He save me and not save her? Why would I be so fortunate as to be alive in Christ while my sister isn't so livid? But if it's God's will, so be it. I have God and that's all that matters. But I'd love for God to have my sister. Hahaha it's okay. God's my joy and my joy is complete.

Blessed are the poor in spirit

Mon, 26 Oct 2009 07:02:23 GMT

Anyone else ever think that was funny? I always interpreted it as "blessed are those who don't have God and the Holy Spirit in their lives" hahaha total fail.

Blessed are the dispirited, the disheartened, the discouraged, the lost and those who feel so neglected, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. That would've been more clear hahaha.
And blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven? Really? Just because they're feeling a wee bit depressed, they get to somehow automatically obtain the riches of eternal life?

Blessed are the ones who are broken and vulnerable, who are mended back together by God's love, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are those who become weakened by the weariness of their human nature, the beast that devours them whole, for they have become less and are now closer to wholly acknowledging that life is too arduous a battle to win on their own.
Blessed are those who know have had their hearts ripped in half by other humans, emotions, and burdens, for they have witnessed the limitations of their momentary happiness, sporadic calm, and unreliable strength. Blessed are the depressed, for they have been enlightened to the very truth that declares what they have is not enough to fill the void in their hearts and imperfect love.

"Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven."
"Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven."

I never noticed that before.

Hmmm ... but I still want the kingdom of heaven.

Burning Out

Sun, 25 Oct 2009 04:20:52 GMT

"so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe as you hold [on to] the word of life"

I'm not an astronomer, but I like stars. And like most people, I like it when the stars are REALLY bright. Why? Because I can see it. Because it is beautiful. Because when I look up at the night sky, I'm captivated.

I was listening to a song by Matt Redman called Shine (pretty good song) courtesy of P. Sam and his awesome DVD full of music he's graciously given to me, and I was moved by the lyrics, "We will shine like stars in the universe".
And I thought to myself, what does that mean? To shine like a star in the universe, what does that entail?

Like humans, stars live until they die. Like stars, humans can be a sight to behold and admire. The rate at which a star burns equates proportionally to how quickly it dies. You know what they call a small star? A red dwarf. HAHAHA you can be a red dwarf. That's not really my goal. My goal isn't to set appropriate measures of my abilities and stabilize my life so finely that I'll live forever, or at least longer than the other stars in the sky. I'm here to burn. I'm here to die. I'm here to exert all that I am, but wisely (wisely in the sense of with purpose and with discretion because of the fact I do wish to burn so red hot, if I misuse even a second of my time, that precious second will be forever lost and sorely regretted). Because what use it is to wait and continually set limitations, to step aside and let others burn passionately, and to rely so much on the amount of chemicals currently inside my core, to depend on my fuel, to live my own life off of my own flesh?

And I'm reminded of the star that led the Magi, the wise men, to Jesus. I'm pretty sure it was a big freaking star, so much so that men were perplexed at its origin and were definite that it was the star that signified the birth of the king of the Jews.
I want to be that star. I want to lead people to worship God. Three people? How abundant and cherished is one life to our Father and how I long, with a heightened sense of hope, to be able to lead three whole beings in a time of genuine and honest worship. That I may be a sense of right in the midst of an overwhelming darkness, to further advance the kingdom of God. That though I belong and am born of a crooked and depraved generation, despite my vices and flaws, and even if I am crooked myself, that I may still undeniably point towards Jesus Christ.
But I don't want to resign to my sins and say, "I will never be blameless and pure, so I must do my best as a sinner and become satisfied." That would be the antithesis of why I am inspired. For what other reason did Jesus come down and sacrifice his life than to create us new into a righteous, holy, blameless, and pure people? To purge us of our foolish and wicked ways and set forth a new path, a narrow door that will not let us come in with our pockets full of greed and hatred, of our human nature, is, in my opinion, why Jesus came down.

So I aim to be that star intensely burning. I so desperately pray that the flames will test me as a crucible does gold but also that the untouchable heat will scorch and purify all that I am.

Hahaha and I say this now but let's see how well I'm doing in a week :)

The Fool

Sat, 24 Oct 2009 06:47:14 GMT

AHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA a little over dramatic.

Well, today after college group, the kids actually decided to go hang out for once! It was amazing. I think the last time that happened was ... last year? Definitely a long time ago.

SO I'm feeling weird, antsy, and tired. I start opening my mouth and out comes coarse jokes and my obnoxious self I haven't been in a really long time. And to put it simply, I actually enjoyed it. People were laughing and I was releasing my energy and it felt good. I felt appreciated. It reminded me of myself and who I was.

But the thing is, I've been trying so hard to NOT be that person. I cross lines and boundaries and say things that are just disgusting. It turns me back into my old self. It encourages what I've been killing to come alive and spawn anew.

Driving home, I really had to think about it. This isn't good, but it doesn't have to be horrible. I don't have to say those things and I could keep myself in check. I mean, not everything I said or did was totally inappropriate. It left a question in my head. To become foolish or become wise? Even the foolish can look wise by simply keeping their mouths shut. That's the opposite of what I was doing. My mouth was leading as my thoughts trailed behind it. But people were having fun. People were laughing. I felt like if I could somehow inspire others to become lighthearted and enjoy the time together, then it's all worth it in its own way. I could be wise in my own quiet hours, in my time away from company, but when I am with them, maybe I could become the fool, the jester, the obnoxious asian, for a few laughs of entertainment.

But when has a jester ever captivated someone's heart? When has a fool garnered respect and admiration? And lacking it all, how would I ever expect to be heard or listened to seriously? For what reason, other than my own benefit, would I strive to become this sage I am so longing to one day be?

Can I really only enjoy people by them enjoying me? Can't I see the image of God pressed into their lives? By the light God has given me, can I not see the light of God in other people?

I want to love others because God loves them. Not because they love me, but because all people are loved. Because there is something so lovable in everyone.

Day Off

Fri, 23 Oct 2009 04:54:44 GMT

Today was my day off. It was a good day.
I almost wrote it off as a bad one. I had a bad attitude which paralleled a particular situation I was in today.

I was driving home around 5:00pm which is when traffic is at its finest and I was hungry. I thought to myself, maybe I should feed myself a little bit of food like a WHOPPER JR. (I love whopper jr.'s) which will tie my clawing voracity down till I get home. But then I realized, it's so bad for me. I just dealt with an annoying episode of heartburn last night and having not eaten anything substantial for over six hours, did I really want to put myself in that pain again?

I find myself in a daily struggle to do what's right. I know when I feel like a fat poopsicle that I should go to God and talk to him. Well even when I'm not, even when I'm happy, I should always talk to God and seek Him and try to spend every waking moment on Earth with Him because He makes it bearable. But I find myself wandering. I'm always regretting my decisions.
I tell myself, "I'm not joyful because I need to be outside," or "I just need to do this," or "I need to have this," and the list goes on. In the back of my head, I know God's waiting for me to JUST TALK TO HIM hahaha but it's so weird as to why I don't.

"For the waywardness of the simple will kill them"
-- Proverbs 1:32

I was being simple. I thought what I wanted would save me. I thought what I lacked would make me better. I felt my human desires would satisfy my soul. I felt just because I had an impulse, it would be best just to do it. But NO, it wasn't any good and I did not feel any better. It was only when I spent time in the word and talked to God (hahaha except I was being emo) that He put peace in my heart. God gives me food for thought but it's up to me to dine with Him. I have to choose Him daily. I must die to this flesh of mine that desires so many things that pale in comparison, that are so small next to my Creator, so I'm not longer bound and my prayers could come alive.
It's comforting to know that the Bible makes sense in my life.

And God could've been fair. He would have been entirely justified if I still felt so low and disgusting. But instead, He blessed me and gave my day wealth and substance.
I feel like He's arguing with me, "How was your day a waste? Did you not enjoy the glorious sun that you claim to love so much? Did you not use your legs and walk, the ones you say you're so thankful for? Didn't you admire my beauty, find treasure in the day, become instilled with a deeper longing for wisdom, and spend time with Me? How, then, can you say that this was a waste when I've opened your eyes, softened your heart, and loved you today just as I have every day before?"
Like the parable of the workers in the vineyard who cried "and you have made them equal to us who have borne the burden of work and the heat of the day," I almost lost sight of the gifts and blessings God has graciously placed before me.

Hahaha so yea, my day was the best :D

Dear God,

Wed, 21 Oct 2009 03:48:08 GMT

You are the best.

Walking

Sat, 17 Oct 2009 06:34:23 GMT

I've noticed it's scarier walking away from a light than it is to walk towards one.

Does that translate into Christianity? I'm really tired so it's hard to elaborate.

AND, that moment of intense glare once you've been in the dark too long and step into the light reminds me of the opposite occurance--the one where you're in the light for too long and once you step into darkness, you can't see anything.

But more importantly, riding a bike shirtless at night is amazing. I really need a bike.